The Hidden Grief on Holidays

This past weekend was a major holiday for many in the US and even around the world. Our social media feeds were full of pictures with happy families wearing new colorful clothes, Easter egg hunts, and delicious spreads of food. Many people enjoy this time to celebrate the newness of Spring, spend time with family, and connect to their faith.

However, this holiday, along with many others, does not bring the same experience for everyone. As an ex-evangelical and survivor of religious abuse, hearing the greeting, “Happy Resurrection Day,” did not bring me the warm, joyful feeling as it was intended yesterday. Instead, my breath caught, and I was transported back to a time filled with so much pain, judgment, and isolation.

For many survivors of religious trauma, living in a culture permeated by western religion can be difficult to navigate. There is an unspoken expectation that everyone celebrates certain days just because they are national holidays. People presume you practice the same religion they do or at least something that is similar. It is common to wish someone “Happy Easter” or “Merry Christmas” without pausing to consider this may not resonate with everyone. And for those of us who have experienced deep harm from the religions that celebrate these holidays, these sayings can even be quite triggering and unearth deep feelings of grief.

Trauma has a way of showing up when we least expect it to. Have you ever heard a word or phrase that took you off balance? Even a smell or taste can launch us back to a memory we thought had been so carefully hidden away. For those of us who grew up in certain faiths, specific words like blessed, redemption, forgiveness, or resurrection can hold powerful emotions and memories. They tie back to a time and place that caused harm, enforced guilt, and produced shame. 

Healing from religious trauma can be a difficult journey. It is a unique form of trauma that affects not only your mind and body, but it reaches into your spirit, your belief system, and your very identity. Religion was created by people to teach a prescribed set of values and beliefs. It can be helpful for some communities to find connection and shared purpose. However, religion can often be full of rules, restrictions, and judgements. When we grow up in an environment enforcing conformity, we lose our sense of identity and our agency. We no longer are able to make our own decisions or use critical thinking to determine our values or opinions. We have a script to follow and will receive judgement if we don’t comply. 

Many high-control religions use manipulative tactics like guilt, shame, and gaslighting to keep their congregation in line. The power of collective judgement is a potent phenomenon. When a simple decision you make has the potential to bring harsh judgement and shame from a group of people you believe to be your community (not to mention an all-powerful being), you really do not have free will. The illusion of personal choice is pretty well-crafted in these spaces. You are told you are free to make your own decisions. But when you are given strict rules to follow combined with the fear of judgement, banishment, and eternal torture, you do not actually have any choice at all. What else are you supposed to do?

These experiences leave a mark that often lasts a lifetime. As this harm affects all aspects of our person, we are left to deal with the ripples appearing throughout our beliefs, values, relationships, identity, and sense of purpose. Unless we take the time to heal from those traumatic environments and deconstruct those harmful beliefs, we will continue living a life that is always tied back to the control of guilt and shame.

This can show up as shrinking ourselves when someone raises their voice. We have learned that someone who appears authoritative is always right. We keep our thoughts and opinions to ourselves. We were taught that we are inherently wrong and must depend on others to know what to believe or think. We feel disconnected from our emotions. We were taught that unless we are feeling love, joy, and peace, our emotions are actually sinful. 

You are NOT wrong. You are NOT broken. You do NOT deserve eternal punishment for just being yourself.

You are an amazing human being who deserves to live the authentic, beautiful life that you want to live. You get to choose who you are, how you live, and what to believe in.

When certain holidays come around and you begin to feel yourself being pulled back in time, you can take back control. Ground yourself in the present moment and embrace the beauty of who you are today. The past no longer has control over you. You don’t have to live in fear of judgement and shame. You are not obligated to follow the path others choose to walk. You are not wrong for choosing a different way to live. You get to make this life expansive and fulfilling in all the ways that feel safe, comfortable, and supportive for you.

It’s ok to grieve lost traditions and celebrations. Give yourself space to recognize those feelings and listen to your needs. If a holiday doesn’t feel comfortable for you, maybe it’s time to exchange it for something new. You get to choose what and how you want to celebrate. Make a list of your values. What are you grateful for? What are you proud of? Who are the important, supportive people in your life? What makes you truly happy? Then create the kind of day that aligns with your authenticity. Forget the rules and expectations of others. This is your life, so live it to the fullest.

Happy whatever holiday you want it to be!