Narcissism is a prevailing trait in our society. We all encounter these personalities almost every day. Self-centeredness, entitlement, lack of empathy, and the inability to take accountability leads to tense interactions with others at best and abusive dynamics at worst. They show up at the workplace, religious institutions, friend groups, politics, and even at home. The impact of these individuals’ behaviors can cause great harm to the people around them.
Since narcissistic abuse can unfortunately be experienced by anyone, it is important to understand what it is. Let’s take a look at what narcissism actually is, how to recognize abusive tactics and patterns, and what to consider when leaving a narcissistic relationship.
What does Narcissism Really Look Like?
There has been a lot of controversy over the past few years around what narcissism actually is and who should be labeled a narcissist. This concern is valid as throwing around the term narcissist for anyone who is self-centered or too full of themselves can be dangerous. Statements like “my toxic ex was so vain about her looks that she was a narcissist” and “my father was such as narcissist because he always talks about himself” actually dilutes the traits of true narcissism along with trivializing the deep pain that victims of narcissistic abuse endure.
The Diagnosis
The term narcissist was derived from Greek mythology where Narcissus was so in love with his own reflection it led to his death. Narcissism as a medical disorder has existed since the late 1800’s. The current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V-TR) lists specific criteria in order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It defines “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy” along with additional specific criteria that must be assessed. Only a licensed mental health provider can diagnose someone with NPD, and this can only occur with a psychological evaluation provided directly to that person. This is rarely done as the true nature of narcissists keep them from seeking help, growth, or accountability. Therefore, most narcissists are never actually diagnosed.
There is also a difference in someone who meets clinical criteria for a NPD diagnosis and someone who has narcissistic traits. As naturally egocentric beings, most humans display narcissistic traits at some point. However, some people have very strong narcissistic traits that have become woven into their identity and create their default pattern of relating to others. Does everyone with narcissistic traits have a disorder? No. Can someone be a narcissist without receiving an official diagnosis? Yes. Can someone be a narcissistic abuser without having NPD? Absolutely. When it comes to wondering if someone is a narcissist, the most important issue is what are the traits being displayed and how do they affect you. If someone’s behavior is harmful, it does not matter what label or diagnosis best fits. What matters is the behavior itself and the harm created. Because narcissistic abuse is so dangerous, it is important to understand these traits and their affects on those targeted.
The Traits
Narcissists are known for their grandiose sense of entitlement. They believe they are better than most people and rarely reflect on their own actions because they are rarely wrong. Because this view of themselves originates in an insecure sense of self-esteem, they will do anything to protect it. They require excessive admiration and are envious of others with success, prominence, or adoration. Narcissists do not consider other people’s experience, perspectives, or feelings since they struggle with empathy. Usually due to trauma, the narcissistic mind is often trapped in a early stage of emotional and social development. Just as a toddler struggles to understand that other people have different feelings or views from themselves, the narcissist believes everyone else experiences life exactly the way they do. That’s why they often use projection, a strategy to project their experience onto another person. If a narcissist is cheating, they are fully convinced you are cheating on them. They also believe their feelings are facts. If they feel they are right, then they are even when there is evidence to the contrary.
Though all of these traits can be harmful to relationships, the narcissist’s use of interpersonal exploitation to get their needs met is the most damaging. They have learned that manipulation is the best way to interact with others while protecting their self image. While it may not always be a conscious choice, it is so integrated into their personality that it naturally occurs. And since it is so effective, they don’t consider learning healthier ways to meet their needs. It does not matter that their manipulation is harming others. Since they project their internal reality onto everyone around them, they also believe that everyone else utilizes manipulation tactics to get their needs met as well. This feels normal to the narcissist.
The Abuse
When strong narcissistic traits occur in a relationship, abuse is very likely. While physical abuse can occur, what makes narcissistic abuse so sinister is the frequent use of psychological and emotional abuse. Abuse experts acknowledge that psychological and emotional abuse can be far more dangerous than physical abuse. It’s harder to recognize, there is no tangible evidence, and it occurs so slowly that even the victim typically does not know it is happening until it is too late. This also leads to folks outside of the experience (including family, friends, and officials) to ignore signs or even deny that abuse is present.
Some of the dismissals of abuse made by people outside the relationship include: “They have never treated me like that,” “Everybody loves them - they are so friendly and fun,” or “I’ve only seen them be really nice to you.” Similar statements are also spoken by victims wondering how someone could possibly be abusive if they are also kind or loving.
When most people think of an abuser, they bring to mind a larger than life character who is loud, derogatory, quick to anger, and physically harmful to others. This may be someone who is rude to everyone, is never considerate of others, and leaves a wake of negativity wherever they go.
However, most abuse scenarios occur with a person who does not fit this “made-for-TV" persona. This is especially the case with narcissistic abusers. Many narcissistic people believe there is nothing wrong with them. They fully believe they are the most kind, loving, and friendly people in the world. They believe any harm that occurs in a relationship is the result of the other party. And they feel entitled to do whatever it takes to protect their perfect image even at the cost of others.
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
Most abuse does not occur every day or all the time. Abusers operate in cycles in order to develop stronger power and control dynamics. Someone who is abusive all the time is easier to recognize. However, if abuse is alternated with acts of love or affection, the abuse becomes more discreet. The narcissistic abuse cycle is shockingly similar across many dynamics. Once you learn the stages, the cycle becomes more evident. Of course, the cycle does not begin with obvious abuse; it begins with overwhelming showers of charm and connection.
Stage 1: Idealize
Watch almost any romantic comedy and you will likely see an example of love-bombing. Love-bombing is a form of psychological abuse that occurs when a person intensely showers someone with excessive affection, unnecessary gifts, talks of deep feelings, and early obsessions with the future of the relationship. They use fanciful phrases like, “I’ve never met anyone like you,” “I can see the rest of our lives together,” or “I’ve never fallen for anyone this quickly.” They create the illusion that this relationship is absolute perfection.
In the idealize stage, love-bombing is the most potent tactic of the narcissist. This is where the abuser creates this over-the-top foundation for a relationship. They present as charismatic and charming. They are the perfect boyfriend, boss, mother, pastor, or friend. They create impressive dates. They buy expensive gifts. They plan extravagant trips. Their speech is eloquent and enticing. They are overly helpful, supportive, and considerate. They listen closely to what you like or need and then perfectly emulate those traits. However, this is not an attempt to become a better person, partner, or friend. It’s a tactic to get to know you, learn how to control you, and understand exactly how to hurt you.
When you are being love-bombed, it can be intoxicating. This is the relationship you’ve always wanted. It’s the perfect job. They are the best friend, most caring parent, or the most inclusive church. It feels too good to be true because it is. When you are the victim of the idealize stage, it is very easy to become attached to this person. They seem amazing, and these grandiose acts tend to elicit strong feelings such as euphoria. Who doesn’t like to be showered with attention, gifts, praise, or support?
Stage 2: Devalue
When the narcissist feels secure in their victim’s attachment to them, they begin the devalue stage. This is where the victim is targeted with attacks to weaken their self-esteem, remove access to supports, question their own intelligence, and even destabilize their grasp of reality. Common tactics used by narcissists include gaslighting, projection, emotional exploitation, word salad, crazy-making, triangulation, and DARVO. Let’s take a closer look at a few of these.
Gaslighting is when someone forces you to question reality. This is far beyond just lying. Lying would be stating an incorrect fact like for example, “I did not say that.” Gaslighting would be, “Why would you think I could have said that? That doesn’t even make sense. You were probably distracted and weren’t listening to me. Are you ok?” Where lying simply discloses a false statement, gaslighting attacks the other person along with their character, abilities, and intelligence. It leads the victim to not only question their memory but begin to not trust their own mind. Long-term gaslighting leads to individuals with short-term memory loss, inability to make decisions, difficulty concentrating, decreased self-esteem and confidence, and a complete lack of trust in self.
Many conversations with narcissists include the use of word salad. Word salad is a manipulation tactic where the speaker frequently introduces unrelated topics, speaks in circles, contradicts their own statements, and creates a chaotic conversation that people can’t follow. This is done to intentionally confuse the other person so they are not able to focus on the original intention of the discussion. This person is kept off balanced and confused often to the point where they don’t remember what they were wanting to discuss in the first place. This experience leads to feeling unsure of one’s self and becoming exhausted to the point where the original topic doesn’t feel worth addressing anymore.
When faced with accountability, narcissists often use a combination of tactics called DARVO which was coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd in 1997. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Let’s say you confront a friend about a hurtful statement they made to you. The friend adamantly denies they ever made this statement, but it does’t stop there. They then begin to attack you, “How could you even believe I would say something like that if you’re really my friend?” Then they flip the script by making you the offender and turning themself into the victim. “Why would you attack me like this? I’ve always been such a great friend to you. I would never treat you this way. I feel like I can’t trust you anymore.” This strategy creates chaos, destabilizes the victim, and trains them to not bring up any concerns in the future.
Stage 3: Discard
Once the narcissist has weakened their victim in the devalue stage, they begin to discard. As with all of these stages, the discard stage can look differently with a range of intensity or length of time. The discard stage may be in the form of ignoring, disappearing, or stonewalling. The narcissist may remove the victim’s access to themselves, withhold acts of affection, or may stop doing anything helpful or supportive. This could look like a partner who disappears for days without contact. A coworker stops answering emails or pulling their weight on a shared task. A parent ignores their child’s requests for assistance or affection.
The polarity between the idealize stage and the devalue stage becomes completely torn when the narcissist decides to discard. The victim formed a strong attachment to the abuser while being love-bombed and then experienced the exact opposite. However, by using the above tactics, the devaluing was done so covertly that the victim often does not register it even happened. The psychological abuse operates behind the scenes creating self-doubt and uncertainty in the victim. When the discard occurs, the victim believes they are the ones who caused it. They did not listen, support, trust, or love hard enough. They begin to question not only their own worth but begin to feel they are a horrible partner, child, friend, or employee. Before long, the narcissist begins the idealize phase to whiplash the victim back into feeling good which begins the cycle all over again.
The final discard occurs when the narcissist chooses to leave their victim. This is done without notice, conversation, or closure leaving the victim to spiral in confusion. This is the final control play for the narcissist to demonstrate their power. It often occurs when the narcissist becomes bored of this victim, finds a new supply, or fears they are losing control. Since narcissists need control, they cannot handle when their victim decides to leave them. If they find out the victim wants to leave the relationship or they actually do, the narcissist will begin to hoover. Hoovering is a tactic that uses the abuse cycle to lure the victim back into the relationship. This can look like love-bombing, guilt-tripping, fake apologies, and drastic threats. This can happen immediately or even years after the relationship ends, and if the victim is not aware, they can easily be pulled right back into the abuse.
The Effects of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
These three stages create the narcissistic abuse cycle. At the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, the first stage tends to be the longest while the other two are so small that no one would notice. Why would you pay attention to a small derogatory comment when 99% of comments are overt praise? Over time, the love-bombing lessens in intensity and length of time while the devalue and discard stages slowly become stronger and last longer.
This unique feature of the cycle is what creates a trauma bond. A trauma bond is a strong sense of dependence created by an abuser to control their victim. The abuse cycle creates an environment where the victim is exposed to overwhelming amounts of flattery and positive gestures. This is intentionally done to bond the victim to the narcissist so when the small acts of devaluing or discarding begin to occur, the victim doesn’t even notice or quickly dismisses them. The narcissist also uses future-faking, a tactic that promises a better future or change in behavior without any real action. Because the victim is trauma bonded, they believe the narcissist didn’t mean to hurt them and has the potential to change. This leads to a programmed impulse to rationalize any harmful behaviors from the abuser. As the devalue and discard stages begin to intensify, the victim is so strongly bonded with the narcissist that their brain cannot recognize how bad they are being treated as that information contradicts the intense programming from the love-bombing.
In fact, a trauma bond is so powerful it creates the exact same chemical reaction in the brain as a drug addiction. The intensity of love-bombing floods the brain with oxytocin. During the devalue and discard stages, the victim is instead flooded with cortisol forcing them to crave the influx of oxytocin they were use to. Since the victim never knows when the idealize stage will occur again, they are being programmed with intermittent reinforcement. This is one of the strongest techniques of strengthening behavior and emotional responses. When the cycle repeats and the narcissist rewards them with love-bombing once again, the victim is flooded with dopamine creating an addiction response. This is why even when a victim can recognize some elements of abuse, their brains will not allow them to disconnect from the abuser. Even when the connection is eventually severed, survivors experience similar withdrawal symptoms as those recovering from substance use addiction. The brain truly believes you will die without this person. This isn’t someone just being dramatic. They’ve been manipulated and programmed at a psychological and neurobiological level to believe their survival depends on their attachment to the abuser.
Protecting Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse
The effects of narcissistic abuse can be so severe that recovery can take months to years. Recognizing narcissistic traits and abuse tactics is essential to protect yourself from being caught in that abuse cycle. If you notice any love-bombing tactics, it may be a good idea to take a step back and evaluate the relationship. Since things happen quickly in the idealize stage, it is also helpful to take new relationships very slowly so you can recognize any red flags before you become too attached. It is always important to have healthy support systems including family, friends, or mental health professionals to help you examine your relationships, provide alternate perspectives, increase self-esteem and insight, and give support if you decide to end a relationship.
If you believe you are currently in a narcissistic abuse cycle, it can be very difficult to navigate. It is critical to find appropriate supports before disengaging with an abuser. Depending on the scenario, targets of narcissistic abuse can become victims to physical violence, chronic health concerns, financial abuse, or even legal issues. Leaving is also not always a possible option right away, so gaining the right resources and supportive relationships will be key to creating a safe exit strategy.
In today’s world, unfortunately, encountering a narcissist is a matter of when not if. Learning to recognize narcissistic traits and abuse cycles can help you avoid or navigate away from harmful relationships. Being prepared and having solid, healthy relationships to support you can be your first line of defense. You don’t have to remain trapped in narcissistic abuse. You are worthy of having happy, healthy, and enriching relationships that honor and respect you. Recovery is possible!
You do not have to navigate this alone! If you would like to learn more on how to protect yourself form narcissistic abuse or need support in navigating a current narcissistic relationship, reach out today to schedule a free consultation with a survivor and abuse recovery trauma therapist.
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