What’s the Deal with Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation has been defined as managing or controlling your emotions. It is sometimes tied to emotional maturity or emotional intelligence. Being able to regulate your emotions is not only considered a mark of good mental health, but it is also widely accepted as an indication of maturity, self-control, and stability. Why is there so much emphasis placed on being able to control one’s emotions and is it really evidence of being in good mental health?

Don’t get me wrong. There is a time and place for emotional regulation, but I don’t think it’s as often as we tend to think. 

Regulation or Suppression?

When many people talk about emotional regulation, they are actually talking about emotional suppression or bypassing. This is extremely dangerous. They often give you a list of tactics to decrease, ignore, or hide your emotions. They label certain emotions as negative or harmful which need to be removed. The goal is to remove the emotion as a barrier for your ability to present in an expected manner. Patient charts are documented with notes referencing a patient’s need to “better self-regulate” when they express frustration with not being heard. Friends stop talking to the person that is “emotionally unstable” when they were only attempting to bring up crossed boundaries. Employees are written up for “being unprofessional” when expressing their feelings for being gaslit about a task that wasn’t even their responsibility.  

Let’s think about that for a minute. What is the expectation here? And where does it come from? 

Often times, when someone wants someone else to regulate their emotions, they are actually concerned with their own comfort. “Don’t express opinions I do not want to hear.” “Raising your voice makes me feel unsettled.” “Crying is not masculine.” The focus is not on the person who is experiencing intense emotions and are asking for their needs to be met. Rather, the observer does not want to be uncomfortable or have to manage their own emotional response.

Where does this mentality come from? Let’s dig a little deeper…

Composure and Control

Western culture with it’s solid foundation of colonialism, white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism has a major impact on the way we view mental health. A society upheld by these constructs prioritizes power, productivity, and profit over the human experience. Productivity requires order, conformity, and control. Everything must be simplistic and predictable. And humans certainly are not.

You may notice some of this conversation around advancing technologies particularly with AI integration. It’s easier to train, monitor, and control. It doesn’t have messy emotions or basic human needs. It doesn’t take sick days or have to pick up their kid from daycare. It doesn’t express opinions or question instructions. Program. Control. Produce.

Even the term “regulation” stems from oppressive ideology. To regulate means to dictate rules, to assume authority, and to obtain power over something. This does not describe a harmonious relationship but rather domination and control.

What makes human beings so unique is our capacity to feel emotions deeply. It expands our experience beyond our existence. Fully feeling our emotions is what connects us to our sacred self and our shared humanity. By suppressing them, we are disconnecting ourselves from what is truly important.

When your emotions are deep and intense, it can feel natural to want to get rid of them. We are conditioned with the desire to escape discomfort. And especially for those of us with over-active nervous systems, we detect any discomfort as a threat to our safety. This is why when we hear an opinion different than ours or try something new, it can feel like our entire body is resisting. 

However, just because something is different, new, or uncomfortable does not mean it is unsafe or wrong. This is also a byproduct of colonialism and white supremacy. This instinct to remove anything that is not familiar comes from a place of fear, and fear is the foundation of colonial and supremacist thought. When people fear what they do not know, they find ways to obtain power over it. This insecurity leads to criticism, prejudice, oppression, hate, discrimination, abuse, and violence.

Because this is so ingrained in our psyche (especially those of us who are white), it takes a lot of work to actively challenge these beliefs. How do we do that? It’s important to sit in the discomfort and recognize the sensations we are feeling. Instead of dismissing or tuning out, welcome the feeling. Explore where this feeling is coming from and assess it’s meaning. Are you actually in danger? Or are you just unfamiliar with something? Stop fighting against discomfort. Stop dismissing new ideas. Take the time and effort to question your own beliefs, opinions, and perspectives. Be open and curious to what is different than what you know.

The Danger of Individualism

Oppressive constructs like colonialism and capitalism also emphasize individualism over community. Individuals are easier to control. This is why bullies target one person at a time. It’s easier to get into someone’s head and utilize manipulation tactics like gaslighting, shame, and fear.

When this comes to emotions, the responsibility is laid completely on the individual to “handle” their reactions and “fix” their composure. However, where is the conversation about interpersonal responsibility? If I scream in your face, I would not expect you to stand there unfazed. In fact, I would consider that to be a sign of dysregulation. Always being calm and unbothered is not a sign of emotional health. It’s a sign of disconnection.

When someone is experiencing intense emotions, it is important to check in with ourselves to assess if we have contributed to their distress or if there is any way to support them. Yes, you are responsible for how your words and actions affect other people. This idea that “I can’t make people feel any way” is complete nonsense and dangerous. Be humble enough to correct yourself. You have an important responsibility towards everyone you come in contact with. And if you make a mistake, own it and correct it.

There is unfortunately too much emphasis on individual responsibility in the mental health industrial complex. Working in multiple psychiatric units, I have seen this firsthand far too often. Patients are expected to self-regulate to some arbitrary standard and then criticized for not being able to handle what individuals should never have to handle alone. Why are you so depressed when you can’t pay your bills? You are just irresponsible and lack impulse control… Why are you complaining about withdrawal symptoms? You chose to take drugs and become an addict… Why are you yelling at your parent for not listening to you or meeting your needs? You have anger and authority issues… Why are you crying in public? You must have a chemical imbalance…

Social support is the most important aspect of healing trauma, nurturing self-esteem, and improving overall mental health. Yet, it is often the most overlooked. Interpersonal connection is essential for human beings. In fact, the most effective emotional regulation is co-regulation which is regulating with someone else. Think about a child who is scared and runs to their caregiver. They get picked up and hugged. The child can feel the vibrations from the caregiver’s soothing voice. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system (how our bodies regulate) in the child allowing them to feel calm and safe.

This is the power of community. Imagine when someone is feeling depressed, their support system is there checking in, providing comfort, and meeting needs. When someone is grieving, they are never alone. When someone is feeling stressed and anxious, their friends are a call away to calm their nerves and provide support. When we are surrounded by people who genuinely care and provide effort, our emotions are also supported and cared for. We were never meant to navigate life alone, and that includes every emotion we feel.

Embrace, Don’t Erase

As a trauma therapist and educator, understanding how trauma dysregulates our nervous system is fundamentally important. I would, however, like to bring some curiosity to the perspective, language, and goal surrounding how we approach this healing. I have had many clients come to me asking to learn how to better regulate their emotions. They share feeling broken, unstable, and a burden on others. They carry the voices of their parents, friends, boss, coworkers, or partners who have expressed concern, frustration, or judgement for how they express their emotions. 

But when we dive into their stories, what I hear is not abnormal. It is not a disorder. It is not a malfunction. It is a normal human reaction to their environment. It is someone tearing up out of frustration when being manipulated by their boss. It is someone feeling anxious when their partner raises their voice and calls them names. It is someone overwhelmed by fear, anger, and grief when processing yet another attack on transfolk, rape of a child, or lynching of a Black person. Why exactly is that wrong?

It is not emotional dysregulation to have emotions that are heavy, loud, or even debilitating. I know this may be controversial, but our society is too focused on being quiet, conforming, and not disruptive. And I counter that this pressure is what is truly problematic. When our emotions are silenced, our souls are shamed. Our conscience is controlled. Our feelings are feared. Our empathy is erased. So then, what is left?

If there is an impulse to regulate your emotions, check in with yourself first. What is the goal? Are you just wanting to get rid of your emotions? Or are you trying to listen to them? Emotions are simply messages. They express what the body feels, what the mind is thinking, and what the soul needs. They are not infections that need to be treated or eliminated.

When you notice an emotion, try this instead to help you embrace it rather than dismiss it…

Recognize

Open the door. Let the emotions in. Speak their name. Listen to them. Feel them. Embrace them. What exactly am I feeling? Why am I feeling this? Is there a need? Is it urgent? Sometimes, an emotion just needs to be acknowledged.

Resource

Is this emotion asking me to take action? If so, do I have the resources to meet this need? Do I have the ability or tools? Is there someone I can ask for help? Do I just need to write down a reminder for later? Do I need to eat something? Do I need space? Do I need to speak up and advocate for myself? Do I need comfort or support? Notice what you are able to do and make a plan to do it.

Release

Thank your emotions for communicating. Open the door. Let them out. Sometimes this can look like crying or yelling. You may shake your arms out or even dance. Laugh. Sing. Hum. Body movement and vocal release are the best ways to discharge emotional energy.

Restore

Sometimes, emotions can be intense which may use up a lot of energy. So check in with your body. Be kind. Nurture and nourish yourself. Take deep, slow breaths. Give yourself a hug, hug someone else, or snuggle your pet. Drink water or a warm cup of tea. 

Emotional experiences will look and feel very different for everyone. Sometimes, you will only need to recognize an emotion and then will notice it fade away. Other times, you will need a longer release or restoration phase. These steps are not a prescription but merely tools to utilize as it feels right for you. The key is to embrace your emotions not just dismiss them. When you take the time to listen and meet your needs, your emotions will move on. It really is an incredible system. Remember, emotions aren’t harmful. They are only messages from parts of yourself that are asking to be heard.

Be Emotional…

Honestly, in my opinion there is a little too much focus on emotional regulation. I’d like to advocate for more attention on emotional curiosity, emotional expression, and emotional acceptance.

Embrace your humanity. Cry. Scream. Laugh. Mourn. Maybe being called “unhinged” is really just a fear from becoming more authentic. Less guarded. Less shamed. Less controlled.

Emotions are not the enemy. Emotions are our superpower. Let’s not suppress them or shame them. Let’s embrace them, love them, and learn from them. Let’s get… emotional.

To learn more about trauma therapy from a liberation-based framework, click here or schedule a free consultation to speak with Michelle about how therapy can support you.